Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Actually it's my third favorite. Let's do a quick list:
1) Thanksgiving- soly bc of my grandmother's cooking, and also its close to my bday and the iron bowl.
2) Christmas: do I have to explain?
3) Halloween!
I love dressing up, and I try to make it authentic when I do (ie: double spray tan for snookie in 2010, personal fav) However, I cant say the same for the hubs. As long as ive known him, Halloween has been J's least favorite holiday. Getting dressed up in goofy costumes and parading around all night is just not his idea of a good time. So, every year he goes to parties in either something lame we threw together in 10 minutes, or no costume at all. One year he showed up at a party where they took the holiday super seriously, and when he walked through the door a girl in a referee outfit threw a yellow flag and blew a whistle. Meaning he had to find a costume somehow, or leave. So this year, since we have the boys who will def be dressed up (as little Alabama elephants, of course) I figured he needed a heads up to get into the Halloween spirit.
The logical idea was Nick Saban because he has tons of Alabama gear, and the boys will have bama stuff on too. But, maybe that was too obvious, but he threw it out. Then, keeping with the head coach/football theme we thought about Derrick Dooley. Mainly because of those bright orange pants.
Which he found. Then, it morphed into Gene Chizik because everyone loves a good train wreck. But how do you do Chizik? A headset, a white short sleeve auburn windbreaker, chewing gum... ? Insert J's creative mind. He decided if he went as Gene, as an added bonus to his outfit, he would hand out "Gene's resume" to the party guests. So, about an hour after we have this conversation, this arrives in my inbox: (Auburn fans, you will most likely be at least slightly offended, and clearly he doesn't care)
Gene “Ole
Toothless” Chizik
251 South Donahue Drive • Auburn, Alabama 36849 • suckmyballsnicksatan@gmail.com
_____________________________________________________________________________________
WORK EXPERIENCE
·
Head Coach, Auburn
University Football Team, Auburn,
Alabama, 2009-present
o
Currently working
as the head honcho of the Auburn Tigers football team.
o
Relationship
Status: It’s Complicated
o
My day to day
activities include:
§ Checking in with Coach Dye
§ Calling on various high school athletes and their
parents and explaining the benefits of new home ownership
§ Watching game film
§ Conducting research (reading list includes Quarterback
Development for Dummies, How to Tackle Good and Do Other Defense Good Too, and Modern
Defense: Passivity + Good Offense = Winning)
o
Played a significant
part in the winning of 2010 BCS National Championship (uncredited)
o
Expert in blame
redirection (References: Tommy Tuberville)
o
Other references
from this position:
§ Cam Newton
§ Pat Dye
§ Jay Jacobs
·
Head Coach, Iowa State, Aimes, Iowa, 2007-2009
o
In an innovative
turn, I converted the “rope-a-dope” strategy from boxing to the football field,
with the long term goal of taking enough “punches” from our opponents that in
the long term they might let their guard down, allowing us the opportunity to
strike. Unfortunately, I was not in this
position long enough to reap the rewards from such a strategy, but can assure
you we had them right where we wanted them.
o
Overall Record: Available upon request
o
Was not fired
from this position
·
Previous work (Summary)
o
Defensive
Coordinator for national champion Texas Longhorns (2005) (Notable performance:
Held USC offense to 38 points in Rose Bowl)
o
Broyles Award
Recipient, 2004 (References: Frank Broyles)
o
Served as
inspiration for classic video game character (except for the teeth LOL!):
EDUCATION
·
High School
·
College
·
School of Hard
Knocks
ACTIVITIES and INTERESTS
·
Thwarting energy vampires
·
Narcissism (References: God)
·
Gumming strangers
_________________________________________________________________________________
100 points for husband. Happy early Halloween!
